<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>for just one yesterday (i'd give all my tomorrows) by GirlOfSaltAndStars</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23353645">for just one yesterday (i'd give all my tomorrows)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GirlOfSaltAndStars/pseuds/GirlOfSaltAndStars'>GirlOfSaltAndStars</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Undeath, Dialogue Light, F/M, Falling In Love, Fix-It of Sorts, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Love Confessions, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha needs to use words, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Slow Burn, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve needs to use words, Temporary Character Death, Trust Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:09:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,074</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23353645</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GirlOfSaltAndStars/pseuds/GirlOfSaltAndStars</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Just one more day. He'd give anything for one more day with her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>It's All in the Name (Take #1)</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>for just one yesterday (i'd give all my tomorrows)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflop_diva/gifts">flipflop_diva</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Sorry, Sam was supposed to be here but I couldn't make him fit. Also, the whole Bruce/ Nat thing never happened. Otherwise canon-compliant till the very end because Endgame? I don't know her.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clint returned alone. </p><p>For a moment Steve prayed she was late, that the ball of absolute terror and dread curling in his gut was for nothing, and that she would simply pop back into existence a half-second later. But then he saw the look on Clint’s face and the world around him seemed to flip and the floor buckled beneath him. </p><p>She was gone. </p><p>Natasha was gone. </p><p>---</p><p>When it started, Steve didn’t love Natasha. </p><p>Hell, he didn’t even like her when they first met. Sure, she was an excellent fighter and the set in her jaw when she got an idea in her head reminded him just a little of Peggy, but she was a spy. Steve didn’t care much for spies. </p><p>Steve was a soldier. He’d been a soldier since he’d picked up the shield and charged into war to save his best friend, leaving behind his charcoals and the scrawny kid from Brooklyn. He didn’t look back, he did the right thing. He didn’t hide behind the shadows of a secret agency, doing dirty work for people who have more secrets than Hydra. </p><p>Steve could trust Natasha to get the job done, every time, without fail. Problem was, he never knew exactly what the job was. </p><p>It was the tenth mission they’d been on together and the third that she’d had a mission that he didn’t know about. He pushed her up against the wall and- </p><p>Well. Hate sex wasn’t unique to the twenty-first-century by any means. </p><p>It happened only after missions, at first, when they were both angry and the adrenaline was still pumping through their veins. It was rough hands, angry bite marks, slammed up against walls or the counters. </p><p>Then, it started happening even when the mission went well, when they weren’t fighting, when things were less slamming doors and more twisted sheets. Steve still didn’t love her, but he liked Nat, despite everything she stood for.  He liked her short hair tangled around his hands, the way she threw him daredevil smiles that reminded him a little too much of Bucky, the little smiley faces she sent in her texts. He liked her jokes about him being a fossil. </p><p>And maybe Steve wanted to love her, but he couldn’t. Not when they both worked for SHIELD, when she was still a spy, when her missions still endangered his. He couldn’t love her, not when he couldn’t trust her. </p><p>And she didn’t love him. </p><p>It was obvious they were nothing more than friends with benefits in her eyes, the way she suggested people he could date. It wasn’t that he wasn’t ready to date, that he was still living in the past. </p><p>It’s that he wanted to be with her and being what they were... It was better than nothing. </p><p>So he sucked it up, told himself he couldn’t love her and flung himself out of planes if it came to it. </p><p>Then, SHIELD fell and both their worlds came crashing down around them. </p><p>Steve never really trusted SHIELD, but for them to be Hydra in disguise…. Steve hated that he’d ever worked with them at all.  It made him want to scream, to kill, to do something, anything, but there wasn’t much he could do but punch Nazis and wish time travel was a thing. </p><p>But worse than him was Natasha. On the outside, she was holding it together well. She still had the avengers and threw herself into the chase for Hydra and his chase for Bucky. But Steve knew her better than anyone, except for maybe Clint and Nick, and she was a wreck. </p><p>They were running for their lives, with every ally out of the question, and the weight of the free world on their shoulders. Natasha was a pure spy, she’d worked for SHIELD longer than Steve had been a soldier. He had no reason to trust her, no reason to believe that she wasn’t playing him like a violin, that she hadn’t been playing him all along. </p><p>But he knew her. For some reason that even he didn’t understand, he trusted her. </p><p>---<br/>
What Steve was doing couldn’t be called sleeping, not really. He was saying on his back, breathing deeply, wishing for sleep, and resisting the urge to grab his shield every time he heard the house creak or a car pass. There was no way they would know he was here. No way. </p><p>But, sleep still eluded him. SHIELD was Hydra. Hydra- the very thing that had destroyed his life and killed his best friend 70 years ago. </p><p>And he’d been doing their dirty work. It made Steve feel sick. He wasn’t sure if he could throw up anymore, he hadn’t, not once, not even when he had to learn to eat all the food that just tasted wrong to him now (he wished then he could puke, just to feel human, just to feel alive for a few minutes).</p><p>But, that wasn't going to happen, not in Samwilson’s house and not when he was supposed to be sleeping. </p><p>Stever required less sleep these days (something else that often made him feel less than human, another thing he wished hadn’t changed) but he still needed some. And he’d learned in the army that even just laying still with his eyes closed, pretending to sleep was better than nothing, So that’s what Steve was doing when he heard the lightest footstep in the hall. He froze and his body tensed. </p><p>His left hand inched towards where his shield was sitting by the bed. </p><p>If he took these people out he could get to Sam first- he had insisted on sleeping on the couch. Natasha ws on the other side of the house in the master bedroom, and she could hold her own long enough for him to get Sam out of the way. </p><p>The door creaked open slowly and Steve threw himself off the bed. He landed in a crouch, shield in hand, arm arched back ready to throw at whatever hyra goon was-</p><p>‘Hey, that’s no way to greet a friend.”</p><p>Steve relaxed instantly, letting the shield slide to the floor with a quiet thunk. Natasha. It was Natasha. </p><p>“You scared the shit out of me.” he whispered back “I almost took your head off.” </p><p>“But you didn't.” Natasha countered softly. She gently shut the door behind her. “I trust you, remember?” </p><p>“I thought you said trust was dangerous.’ Steve shot back, with more heat than he intended. He winced slightly. Natasha didn’t visibly react, but that was a cheap blow. Steve stmoved on the edge of the bed. She joined him without invitation. </p><p>“Well, I wasn’t wrong was I?’ she mused quietly, pulling her knees up under her. “We trusted the shield and looked at what happened.” </p><p>Steve didn’t have a response there. “What did you need Nat?” he asked after a moment of silence. She wasn’t studying him like she usually did. Instead she was staring at the far wall, which was a rather boring shade of beige in Steve’s opinion. </p><p>:I can’t just come visit my favorite super soldier?” She asked. Normally if she asked something like that, it would be a joke and they'd both laugh, but Natsah wasn’t laughing. There was an odd note in her voice. </p><p>“I’m not having sex in Sam’s house.” Steve blurted, which, holy shit, was probably not not the right thing to say. He was pretty sre she didn’t want to have sex. </p><p>“Too bad.” Natasah said but the corner of her mouth quirked up, </p><p>Steve couldn't help but smile back, even though this wasn’t a smiling situation. “So if that isn’t it what is it?” </p><p>Natsha shifted a moment, then laid back sprawling across the bed. “It.. it’s nothing. I just can’t help but wonder. How many of our missions were Hydra missions? How many people did I kill that-” </p><p>“Hey.” Steve said firmly, though he’d secretly wondered the same thing “we didn’t know. There was no way for us to know. It wasn’t your fault. But we know now, and we are doing something about it now. That’s what matters.” </p><p>Natasha smiled, but it was obvious in her eyes that she didn’t believe him. </p><p>That was ok. Steve didn’t believe himself either. </p><p>(and if they ended up curled together later that night- just pretending to sleep- if Natsah’s shoulders shook ever so slightly and Steve hands trembled on her waist, well. No one would ever know)<br/>
-- </p><p>They didn’t talk about it in the morning. There wasn’t time to talk about it then, or a need to, not when it was almost guaranteed they wouldn’t walk away from this fight alive. </p><p>--<br/>
But they did walk away. </p><p>They survived what should have been,by all accounts, a sucicide mission. At one time Steve would have said it was by the grace of God but Steve wasn’t so sure about God anymore. They survived and brought down SHIELD and a good chunk of Hydra along with it. </p><p>It was far from gone through and with Bucky still in the wind, Steve and Natasha didn’t really get a chance to talk.</p><p>(They probably did, but Steve was just too scared to do it. If that made him a coward, so be it.)</p><p>She did come to him still, at night (and as it progressed, he came to her a few times too, though he was always scared of pushing her too far when he did) Usually, it was after a particularly nasty Hydra base or if Bucky slipped just out of their grasp, and it was different. She stayed some nights- especially on the nights after Bucky- and they just slept. Nothing but her curled against him and the even rise and fall of their chests. They spoke sometimes and had sex more often, it wasn’t about either of those however, not really. It was about being there, about the feel of her hands in his hair and the even rise and fall of her chest against his. </p><p>When they did speak it was in turns. She would ramble quietly about her past, in halting sentences and forced laughs and Steve never commented, just held her tighter when she seemed like she was going to fall apart. . When she spoke she never offered advice he didn’t want, just stroked his hair as he talked about all the things he still didn’t understand and all the things he missed. </p><p>She was always gone by morning (no matter if they spoke or not) and Steve was good at pretending that it didn’t sting that she never acknowledged what she did- what they were. </p><p>He loved her then, he realized it one of those nights, with her head on his chest, he loved her. He trusted her. He didn’t know everything about her but he knew enough. He knew how she took her coffee (she didn’t care for it, would rather have tea, but if she did she wanted it so full of sugar it could rot teeth), he knew how guilty she felt about Clint getting captured by Loki, he knew what her favorite sweater was, and exactly how many scars littered her body. And she knew all those things about him too. </p><p>He didn’t know if she loved him. But Steve loved Natasha. </p><p>----</p><p>It took him years to do anything about it. </p><p>When it was possible, they spent their nights together. There were a few good years where everyone was happy, when things were god and they spent most of their nights curled in the same bed. The best days were the ones where they ate breakfast together, either alone or with the others around, not holding hands, not touching, but enjoying the presence of the other when there was no immediate threat. </p><p>She would take him shopping sometimes, with Tony’s card, when they all insisted his shirts were going to rags. Sometimes she dragged him out of the compound at an ungodly hour to drive to the city to try a restaurant or food he’d never had just because he “had to.”  Once Steve took her to the street where he’d grown up and they made  a day of wandering Brooklyn and she’d come with him to art galleries a few times. </p><p>They weren’t dates- they rarely held hands (only if they were pretending to be a couple, or if one of them wanted the other’s attention. They were just friends who did things together in the day and at night. No matter what Steve might want it to be, they weren’t dates. </p><p>But, then the accords came and Bucky became an even more wanted criminal and it all went to hell. </p><p>Life fell apart and for a while Steve didn't have Natasha. But, then she found them. Steve and Wanda and Sam. when they did, they decided to split. Steve and Natasah were the two most visible. Sam and Wanda could hide far more easily. So they sent them together to hide. </p><p>They were on the run from everyone, even people they’d considered friends once. Natsha bleached her hair (Steve missed her red hair, but she still looked stunning.) and he grew a beard. They stored their stuff in hiking backpacks and dressed like civilians. They found themselves in a tiny town, hundreds of miles from any major city. There was hardly any electricity and surveillance cameras? Cell service? Forget it. They found a cottage abandoned several miles out of town and decided that was their place to live. </p><p>“It needs some work,” Steve said, sizing it up. There were only two rooms and an outhouse that Steve wasn’t particularly excited to explore. </p><p>Nat snorted “That would be an understatement.”) </p><p>It had taken time, but it was livable. They only planned to stay a few months a year at most, until the worst of the heat died down, then they would try and make it back to Wakanda to check on Bucky. </p><p>It could be a risk, them staying in one place for so long, but they rarely went into town and lived so far out that it was unlikely that they would be caught. </p><p>It was a risk, but a calculated one. Straying into a town where there was technology, well, that was only asking for trouble. Better to have vanished than to lead them on a chase. </p><p>So they worked on the house, covered the open spots with what they could find. Steve didn’t know much about gardening, but Natsha apparently had a green thumb.. She vanished one afternoon, dressed like a local with no makeup and enough dirt on her face to be unrecognizable. She came back later with two buckets full or sedinlings. He never asked, but he suspected one of their neighbors would be missing some tomatoes. </p><p>They didn’t have much and most of their time was spent trying to survive or sparring, so that they stayed in shape, but it was still good. Occasionally they risked town, going at night. They used what little money they had to leave on the counter, but stole what they needed. Steve got very good at making bread by hand and Natsha could dress a deer in no time flat. It wasn’t what they were used to, but four months in, it felt like a strange new normal. It felt.. Oddly domestic, despite the fact that they were both on the run from pretty much every law enforcement agency in the world. </p><p>He remembered it vividly, they’d not had much to do at night, not with no power and nowhere to go and they were sitting by the fire he’d built. She has curled on the floor with a book she’d stolen from God knows where and Steve was sketching with a pencil and paper he’d taken from a shop the last time they’d been to a town. He hadn’t drawn in years, but with no battle plans, not money, and no way to risk going out until the heat died down, he had nothing else to do. He had just finished shading her eye when it slipped out.</p><p>“I love you.” </p><p>The cabin was already silent, but suddenly it was deafening. Steve wished he was in a plane to throw himself out of. God, what had he done?</p><p>Natasha raised an eyebrow and glanced up from her reading “What?” </p><p>“I love you.” he said again suddenly feeling like the scrawny artist from Brooklyn again “I have for a long time” </p><p>Natasha blinked “I know.” </p><p>“You knew?” Steve asked, not sure why he was surprised. She was still a spy at heart. Of course she knew. </p><p>“Yes.” Natasha said, sounding a tad bit confused “I thought we had been dating since SHIELD fell? I just thought you didn’t want to label it, so I wasn’t going to push you. But I thought you knew I loved you.” </p><p>Steve gaped “I.. I didn’t know that. I.. I thought we were just..”</p><p>Natasha did put her book down then. “You thought we were fuckbuddies. Steven Rogers...Then why would I have come with you? I mean, yeah the sex is fun, but staying on the legal side o things wouldd have been much smarter. Tony probably would have let me stay. But I couldn;t let you go without me, oh my God I Can't believe you never..” </p><p>You never brought it up either! I’m sorry, I don't have much practice in a real relationship ``Steve exclaimed, his face flushing slightly, but despite the sheer ridiculousness of the idea that she’d loved him for years and he never realized it. </p><p>“I guess I don’t either” Natasha admitted with the shyest smile Steve had ever seen on her face “At least- not as myself anyway, God, what a pair we make. “</p><p>Steve just laughed, wondering if his super-soldier heart could burst from disbelief and joy. </p><p>--<br/>
Things weren’t perfect after that. </p><p>Realy, that might be an understatement. They lost what was the biggest fight of their lives and half the world had vanished. Bucky, Sam, Wanda, T’Challa, countless others turned to dust because they lost. </p><p>They lost. </p><p>It was their fault. </p><p>He couldn’t help but feel the tiny sliver of relief though, when their eyes met in the field, when he saw her blonde hair, and saw that she wasn’t dust. It didn’t erase the devastation but at least he still had her. </p><p>Adn together, together they could do anything. </p><p>It took five years and help from the most unlikely sources, but they had a plan. They could win. </p><p>“See you in a minute.” She’d said, her eyes sparkling with excitement about going to space, then they’d vanished. He didn’t even let himself consider not seeing her. </p><p>-- </p><p>Steve was in the present again and it took every ounce of his self control not to give into the  urge to collapse to the floor and sob. He did cry, that couldn’t be helped, he cried and when Tony asked if she had any family he wanted to scream because yes, Steve was her family. They had been her family. She died for them and he couldn’t see that? He wanted to scream but swallowed it because it would  do no good to start a fight and distract from the mission. The mission she died for. Natasha was gone. she was gone, she had left him here for a stupid stone because of course she would. That was just like his Natasha. </p><p>So he won. </p><p>When Steve stood up, shield shattered, bleeding, hurt, and knowing that he was going to die, he did it for her. WIthout knowing that the others would coming, even if he had to fight Thanos himself, he would fighting until his body couldn’t for her and for everyone else they had lost already. </p><p>They would not loose again.<br/>
When the others spilled out of the portals, filing up a battle feild, his heart swelled, because noe they had a chance, It had worked. They had a chance. Natasha would have loved ot have seen it. It was all she ever wanted, was for this to be a family. </p><p>Steve would not let her last act, her act of love for him and for a world that didn’t deserve her go in vain. They fought and Tony died (God, how could Tony be dead too? When he didn’t even get to really apologize-) for her. For everyone. </p><p>He returned the stones. </p><p>It wasn’t that he didn't trust the others, he did, but Steve needed to do tis himself. He needed to know that they really had won, that everything would be right. He did it because if Tony couldn’t Steve would do it for him. And for her. </p><p>Steve saved the soul stone for last because he could hardly stomach the thought of going to the place where she died. He didn’t want to see her body at the bottom of the cliff. </p><p>No one was there to greet him. </p><p>No keeper met him at the gates as Clint said they would. Maybe they knew that it was best. Alien or not, Steve might have just ripped them apart because they hadn’t stopped Natasha from killing herself. </p><p>He didn’t know what to do, so he just flung the stupid stone as far as he could from the cliff and didn’t look down. He didn’t cry, because he had no more tears left. </p><p>Natasha had been his balance and she was gone, forever. Steve would give anything to relive on day together. Even one of those early days that was just anger and adrenaline, or the worst day of his life, when Thanos turned half the world to dust. A tiny selfish part of Steve had wanted to stay in the past, find Natasha and stay with her there in the safety of yesterday rather than face a  tomorrow without her. </p><p>An even worse, even tinier part of his wished Scott had never returned from the quantum realm. He didn't mean it, not really, but even if he did. </p><p>Even if he did, people were waiting. The world needed Captain America. The world needed heroes and Steve could never betray that need, not now.  He wouldn’t let her sacrifice be wasted because he was selfish. So he turned from the cliff and went home. Though, the home wasn’t anywhere anymore. It wasn’t the forties, it was the twenty-first century. Home had been Natasha. He didn’t have a home.<br/>
--</p><p>When he landed on the platform, no one was looking at him. </p><p>He frowned because that was kind of rude since he’d just risked his life to save the world again, and besides, to them he’d only been gone like ten seconds. </p><p>Instead, Bruce, Bucky, and Sam were all huddled together, and Bruce’s huge form was blocking whatever they were looking at. </p><p>“Hey,” he called, forcing a false sense of cheer into his voice “What’s up guys?” </p><p>Sam turned around and tears were shining in his eyes and Steve’s stomach twisted. What had happened. He didn’t think he’d been gone long enough for them to lose anyone else, but God, that would be just his luck . Before Steve could ask again, Bruce moved suddenly and there she was. </p><p>Natasha was standing in front of him. She was dirty and bruised but alive. Before he knew what was happening he had jumped off the platform and pulled her into his arms. He suddenly found he could still cry because he was sobbing into her hair, running his hands over her back, her arms, anything he could get his hands on, just to feel her here with him. </p><p>“I thought I lost you” he choked out,r, “I thought- I thought-how?” </p><p>Natasha let out a wet laugh and Steve could feel her trembling in his arms (or maybe it was just him shaking) as she leaned back in“When you returned the stone, they sent me back. A soul for a soul. No one had ever tried to return it before, I think..” </p><p>Steve pulled her closer again  “That is the only good thing those damned stones did, then.” </p><p>He pulled her into a kiss then. There would be things to talk about, time to grieve, time to work through the hell that they’d been through.  Things wouldn’t be perfect. The world was a mess and nothing would be the same. But Natasha was here. She was still with him. And with that knowledge, Steve could face anything.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>